Oh to Live

It happened again I heard that song and the tears came. Some day I will hear it and remember the good and not just end up in a puddle on the floor. Not today.

Alex called me a scared spider yesterday. I laughed. Later he grabbed my face and told me he loved me.  We played trains and I laughed at his expressions. He shuts the gate in his room so I can't leave. I laugh at how fruitless that is I can leave at any point. Silly kid there was no where else I would rather be. I love him.


This week I love
-When Alex wont let me leave and wants a "big hug" over and over and then a kiss and another "big hug"
-When Aaron asks "whats this?" over and over and over
-When Daniel tells me about his imaginary sister and that she lives really far away and plays soccer.
-When E tells me he loves me and that he's got us.
-The first snow of the year
-That I can do anything I want even completely change careers.

Went to the zombie crawl this weekend.

Not sure what possess people to dress up like they are the living dead and run around biting each other. (Well I kinda get the biting each other bit.) But none the less I went. At some point we ended up at my friend Brian's place. His friend did not want me to feel left out. He gave me a costume.

I think I was supposed to add blood to it and wear it as a zombie frog costume. But I much prefer the frog. I added a princess crown to it at one point. But I didn't get a picture.

Frog princess costume+zombies=good weekend.

It the little things that remind me that life is good!

It's the pain that makes the joy so much sweeter.

Its the little ones giving you their love. 

Breathing or something like it

Last night I cried, I screamed at HIM, but only in my head. Four months and I still can't breathe, I still hear those songs and become inconsolable.

I want to be held, I want it to mean something, I want to throw it all away. I need someone else to pick up the pieces. There is no one else.

Spoke to a friend today and was again reminded that HE provides, and HE has, I know this without doubt.  But the tears fall, the breath wont come, and I still feel like I am losing my mind.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.


Hebrews 10:35-36 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” 


Zephaniah 3:14-15
 Sing, O daughter of Zion! 
      Shout, O Israel!
      Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
      O daughter of Jerusalem!
       ¹⁵ The LORD has taken away your judgments,
      He has cast out your enemy.
      The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst;
      You shall see disaster no more.


Knowing HE is my midst helps. I will continue to grieve, I will let the tears fall, and I hope the breath continues to come.  Knowing all things work together for good. 

The stupidity that comes with my youth.

This summer has been intense! I have been pretty irresponsible for the first time. Which is not the worst timing I guess.  Spent way to much time playing, not enough time working. Thoroughly enjoyed my little ones and having my buddy in my house and now only blocks away. Met new people, drank a bit too much tequila, laughed hard, cried harder and ignored so many things.

This week it hit me really hard. I miss Wesley! I miss him so much. All of the ignoring, pretending and avoiding doesn't erase the pain. I don't get it! We were supposed to grow old, we are supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to get houses together, be neighbors, and grow families together. Our "family" photo sits on our mantle mocking me. We were so young, so innocent and so full of life. Man we really loved each other. I miss our cuddle puddles, our late night Wash park adventures, always insistent that we would sleep when we were dead. I guess Wesley is sleeping now. 

It has been three months since I said goodbye. Thankful for the chance, to speak the things that needed to be said. Thankful to remind him of my love and thankful for the laughter in the midst of grief. Trying to remember him healthy, forgetting the last few months in the hospital. Thankful to have been there before he fell asleep. 

So I am learning from the irresponsibility. Will let grief occur, but will not get stuck. Will let myself and the ones around me mourn. I will celebrate his life and live mine to the fullest. Will remember to love without abandon, without fear and with everything I have. 

I am re-configuring my life(ha!) or something. Paying off my ridiculous amounts of debt, finding a job I don't hate, planning my world wide adventures and contemplating a return to school. Watch out maybe I will become an adult soon. 

Thankful for those around me that love me through it all! 

My Boys

This is my favorite moment of this summer. Watching these three grow up is the best! My little ducklings. 

Daniel calls them his brothers. He says it so inclusively and he is such a good big brother. 

I have a feeling there will be lots of  trouble as these three grow up. 

Days Ago

Making the same choices over again.

Its good to feel wanted.

It really sucks to feel used.

I hear the lies and I want to ignore but they are convincing.

Thankful for the truth and the reassurance of good friends.

Old paths are easy to follow.

New ones take a lot of effort.

Exhaustion has taken hold need to not take things seriously.

Feeling betrayed. But I think its all in my head.

Its okay to take a step back as long as its not running away. 

Love is strong

"“Loving” doesn’t mean weak or passive. Love is strong. Love builds what he needs to build and destroys what he needs to destroy for the sake of his beloved. Love is passion. Love is justice. Love is wrath. Love is kindness. God IS love."

Michael Gungor (http://www.gungormusic.com/blog/)/

1John 3:16 By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?

18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. 19 And by this we know[d] that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. 20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

 

 

These days I am reminded how desperate I need this love. And how desperately this world needs love.  Learning again to love. Laying my life down for my family. Teach me your love!

 

So much easier to say then to do.