This summer has been intense! I have been pretty irresponsible for the first time. Which is not the worst timing I guess. Spent way to much time playing, not enough time working. Thoroughly enjoyed my little ones and having my buddy in my house and now only blocks away. Met new people, drank a bit too much tequila, laughed hard, cried harder and ignored so many things.
This week it hit me really hard. I miss Wesley! I miss him so much. All of the ignoring, pretending and avoiding doesn't erase the pain. I don't get it! We were supposed to grow old, we are supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to get houses together, be neighbors, and grow families together. Our "family" photo sits on our mantle mocking me. We were so young, so innocent and so full of life. Man we really loved each other. I miss our cuddle puddles, our late night Wash park adventures, always insistent that we would sleep when we were dead. I guess Wesley is sleeping now.
It has been three months since I said goodbye. Thankful for the chance, to speak the things that needed to be said. Thankful to remind him of my love and thankful for the laughter in the midst of grief. Trying to remember him healthy, forgetting the last few months in the hospital. Thankful to have been there before he fell asleep.
So I am learning from the irresponsibility. Will let grief occur, but will not get stuck. Will let myself and the ones around me mourn. I will celebrate his life and live mine to the fullest. Will remember to love without abandon, without fear and with everything I have.
I am re-configuring my life(ha!) or something. Paying off my ridiculous amounts of debt, finding a job I don't hate, planning my world wide adventures and contemplating a return to school. Watch out maybe I will become an adult soon.
Thankful for those around me that love me through it all!
