Breathing or something like it

Last night I cried, I screamed at HIM, but only in my head. Four months and I still can't breathe, I still hear those songs and become inconsolable.

I want to be held, I want it to mean something, I want to throw it all away. I need someone else to pick up the pieces. There is no one else.

Spoke to a friend today and was again reminded that HE provides, and HE has, I know this without doubt.  But the tears fall, the breath wont come, and I still feel like I am losing my mind.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.


Hebrews 10:35-36 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” 


Zephaniah 3:14-15
 Sing, O daughter of Zion! 
      Shout, O Israel!
      Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
      O daughter of Jerusalem!
       ¹⁵ The LORD has taken away your judgments,
      He has cast out your enemy.
      The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst;
      You shall see disaster no more.


Knowing HE is my midst helps. I will continue to grieve, I will let the tears fall, and I hope the breath continues to come.  Knowing all things work together for good. 

The stupidity that comes with my youth.

This summer has been intense! I have been pretty irresponsible for the first time. Which is not the worst timing I guess.  Spent way to much time playing, not enough time working. Thoroughly enjoyed my little ones and having my buddy in my house and now only blocks away. Met new people, drank a bit too much tequila, laughed hard, cried harder and ignored so many things.

This week it hit me really hard. I miss Wesley! I miss him so much. All of the ignoring, pretending and avoiding doesn't erase the pain. I don't get it! We were supposed to grow old, we are supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to get houses together, be neighbors, and grow families together. Our "family" photo sits on our mantle mocking me. We were so young, so innocent and so full of life. Man we really loved each other. I miss our cuddle puddles, our late night Wash park adventures, always insistent that we would sleep when we were dead. I guess Wesley is sleeping now. 

It has been three months since I said goodbye. Thankful for the chance, to speak the things that needed to be said. Thankful to remind him of my love and thankful for the laughter in the midst of grief. Trying to remember him healthy, forgetting the last few months in the hospital. Thankful to have been there before he fell asleep. 

So I am learning from the irresponsibility. Will let grief occur, but will not get stuck. Will let myself and the ones around me mourn. I will celebrate his life and live mine to the fullest. Will remember to love without abandon, without fear and with everything I have. 

I am re-configuring my life(ha!) or something. Paying off my ridiculous amounts of debt, finding a job I don't hate, planning my world wide adventures and contemplating a return to school. Watch out maybe I will become an adult soon. 

Thankful for those around me that love me through it all!