Starting again. Or Something.

So the time has come to begin again, to pick myself up and to do those things I have put off. Thanks Ian for being the soundtrack to my starting over. You sir are incredible!

"Some days go by faster than we can seize and use them. 
Try to not let this happen. It’s not good to lose them. 

You aren’t a failure if you fall off of your horse. 
No need to beat yourself up, you know. 
Don’t get incapacitated with remorse. 
Get on up, shake it off, pick up where you left off and go. 

Make haste and get yourself resettled in the saddle. 
Too long a respite will destroy any progress you have made. 
Pace, pedal, pump or paddle. 
Atrophy is tricky to evade. "


School starts on Aug 20!! So excited. And freaked out of my mind. Just have to get my financial aid to come through and I will be all set. 

Hooray for Redos!!!

Live life and celebrate,

Because He spoke and He created and it is good!

The mouth of babes

He said "Aunty I am still learning" I laughed and agreed with him. Aren't we all?

New Home

My new place is small and cozy. With carpet! And the two most incredible men a girl could ask to live with.



I love this guy I have listened to this song a million time the last week.

Goodbyes

Last night I sat there with E and we said our goodbyes to the place I called home.

 I sold my chickens and I freed my fish.

The weight is lifted but my heart aches.

Pieces of my soul seem to be strewn throughout the place. 

Things that I need to be told

Let It Be Me

So thankful for the friends in my life that have made this season so much easier.

The End

When I said I couldn't take anymore it wasn't a challenge!

I was looking forward to the end of 2011 the beginning of something new. Hoping for an end to the grief. Or at least a reprieve.

All I know is that 2012 so far sucks!!!!!!!! 3 days and i have had $1100 stolen, I am soon to be without a home, and unable to sleep. All I need is a vacation and about 3 years of sleep.

So long 2011 not sad to see you over. 2012 you had better get your act together.

Ready for a new place and a new beginning.

In all the confusion and the never ending frustration. All I know is He is there and I am holding on to that with everything I have 

Isaiah 43

¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
      And He who formed you, O Israel:

      “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
      I have called you by your name;
      You are Mine.
       ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
      And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
      When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
      Nor shall the flame scorch you. ³ For I am the LORD your God,
      The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
      I gave Egypt for your ransom,
      Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
       ⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
      You have been honored,
      And I have loved you;
      Therefore I will give men for you,
      And people for your life.
       ⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;
       ⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
      And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
      Bring My sons from afar,
      And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
       ⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
      Whom I have created for My glory;
      I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”
       ⁸ Bring out the blind people who have eyes,
      And the deaf who have ears.
       ⁹ Let all the nations be gathered together,
      And let the people be assembled.
      Who among them can declare this,
      And show us former things?
      Let them bring out their witnesses, that they may be justified;
      Or let them hear and say, “It is truth.”
       ¹⁰ “ You are My witnesses,” says the LORD,

      “ And My servant whom I have chosen,
      That you may know and believe Me,
      And understand that I am He.
      Before Me there was no God formed,
      Nor shall there be after Me.
       ¹¹ I, even I, am the LORD,
      And besides Me there is no savior.
       ¹² I have declared and saved,
      I have proclaimed,
      And there was no foreign god among you;
      Therefore you are My witnesses,”
      Says the LORD, “that I am God.
       ¹³ Indeed before the day was, I am He;
      And there is no one who can deliver out of My hand;
      I work, and who will reverse it?”
       ¹⁴ Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer,
      The Holy One of Israel:

      “ For your sake I will send to Babylon,
      And bring them all down as fugitives—
      The Chaldeans, who rejoice in their ships.
       ¹⁵ I am the LORD, your Holy One,
      The Creator of Israel, your King.”
       ¹⁶ Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea
      And a path through the mighty waters,
       ¹⁷ Who brings forth the chariot and horse,
      The army and the power
      (They shall lie down together, they shall not rise;
      They are extinguished, they are quenched like a wick):
       ¹⁸ “ Do not remember the former things,
      Nor consider the things of old.
       ¹⁹ Behold, I will do a new thing,
      Now it shall spring forth;
      Shall you not know it?
      I will even make a road in the wilderness
      And rivers in the desert.
       ²⁰ The beast of the field will honor Me,
      The jackals and the ostriches,
      Because I give waters in the wilderness
      And rivers in the desert,
      To give drink to My people, My chosen.
       ²¹ This people I have formed for Myself;
      They shall declare My praise.

Pleading with Unfaithful Israel

    ²² “ But you have not called upon Me, O Jacob;
      And you have been weary of Me, O Israel.
       ²³ You have not brought Me the sheep for your burnt offerings,
      Nor have you honored Me with your sacrifices.
      I have not caused you to serve with grain offerings,
      Nor wearied you with incense.
       ²⁴ You have bought Me no sweet cane with money,
      Nor have you satisfied Me with the fat of your sacrifices;
      But you have burdened Me with your sins,
      You have wearied Me with your iniquities.
       ²⁵ “ I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;
      And I will not remember your sins.
       ²⁶ Put Me in remembrance;
      Let us contend together;
      State your case, that you may be acquitted.

Prayers

 Saint Theresa's Prayer


May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
Dance, praise and love. 

It is there for each and every one of us.

I Wait for the LORD

Psalms 130

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; 

2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.  

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? 

4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. 

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. 

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.  

8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Make haste

These words have sunk in and oh how i love this man!

"Don't get incapacitated with remorse
get on up shake it off
pick up where you left off and go
make haste and get yourself resettled in the saddle,
to long a respite will destroy any progress you have made."

Thanks Ian. www.iancookemusic.com/

Be ok, be ok, be ok

"Give me back my broken parts!"

I just want to know that someday I will be okay.

Dad

So incredibly grateful for my dad!

This picture is from summer 2010.

It makes me happy!!












I am so lucky to have a dad that loves me and cares so much about me. He will always be my hero.

Music of the soul

So good. I am obsessed!

Oh to Live

It happened again I heard that song and the tears came. Some day I will hear it and remember the good and not just end up in a puddle on the floor. Not today.

Alex called me a scared spider yesterday. I laughed. Later he grabbed my face and told me he loved me.  We played trains and I laughed at his expressions. He shuts the gate in his room so I can't leave. I laugh at how fruitless that is I can leave at any point. Silly kid there was no where else I would rather be. I love him.


This week I love
-When Alex wont let me leave and wants a "big hug" over and over and then a kiss and another "big hug"
-When Aaron asks "whats this?" over and over and over
-When Daniel tells me about his imaginary sister and that she lives really far away and plays soccer.
-When E tells me he loves me and that he's got us.
-The first snow of the year
-That I can do anything I want even completely change careers.

Went to the zombie crawl this weekend.

Not sure what possess people to dress up like they are the living dead and run around biting each other. (Well I kinda get the biting each other bit.) But none the less I went. At some point we ended up at my friend Brian's place. His friend did not want me to feel left out. He gave me a costume.

I think I was supposed to add blood to it and wear it as a zombie frog costume. But I much prefer the frog. I added a princess crown to it at one point. But I didn't get a picture.

Frog princess costume+zombies=good weekend.

It the little things that remind me that life is good!

It's the pain that makes the joy so much sweeter.

Its the little ones giving you their love. 

Breathing or something like it

Last night I cried, I screamed at HIM, but only in my head. Four months and I still can't breathe, I still hear those songs and become inconsolable.

I want to be held, I want it to mean something, I want to throw it all away. I need someone else to pick up the pieces. There is no one else.

Spoke to a friend today and was again reminded that HE provides, and HE has, I know this without doubt.  But the tears fall, the breath wont come, and I still feel like I am losing my mind.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.


Hebrews 10:35-36 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” 


Zephaniah 3:14-15
 Sing, O daughter of Zion! 
      Shout, O Israel!
      Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
      O daughter of Jerusalem!
       ¹⁵ The LORD has taken away your judgments,
      He has cast out your enemy.
      The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst;
      You shall see disaster no more.


Knowing HE is my midst helps. I will continue to grieve, I will let the tears fall, and I hope the breath continues to come.  Knowing all things work together for good. 

The stupidity that comes with my youth.

This summer has been intense! I have been pretty irresponsible for the first time. Which is not the worst timing I guess.  Spent way to much time playing, not enough time working. Thoroughly enjoyed my little ones and having my buddy in my house and now only blocks away. Met new people, drank a bit too much tequila, laughed hard, cried harder and ignored so many things.

This week it hit me really hard. I miss Wesley! I miss him so much. All of the ignoring, pretending and avoiding doesn't erase the pain. I don't get it! We were supposed to grow old, we are supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to get houses together, be neighbors, and grow families together. Our "family" photo sits on our mantle mocking me. We were so young, so innocent and so full of life. Man we really loved each other. I miss our cuddle puddles, our late night Wash park adventures, always insistent that we would sleep when we were dead. I guess Wesley is sleeping now. 

It has been three months since I said goodbye. Thankful for the chance, to speak the things that needed to be said. Thankful to remind him of my love and thankful for the laughter in the midst of grief. Trying to remember him healthy, forgetting the last few months in the hospital. Thankful to have been there before he fell asleep. 

So I am learning from the irresponsibility. Will let grief occur, but will not get stuck. Will let myself and the ones around me mourn. I will celebrate his life and live mine to the fullest. Will remember to love without abandon, without fear and with everything I have. 

I am re-configuring my life(ha!) or something. Paying off my ridiculous amounts of debt, finding a job I don't hate, planning my world wide adventures and contemplating a return to school. Watch out maybe I will become an adult soon. 

Thankful for those around me that love me through it all! 

My Boys

This is my favorite moment of this summer. Watching these three grow up is the best! My little ducklings. 

Daniel calls them his brothers. He says it so inclusively and he is such a good big brother. 

I have a feeling there will be lots of  trouble as these three grow up. 

Days Ago

Making the same choices over again.

Its good to feel wanted.

It really sucks to feel used.

I hear the lies and I want to ignore but they are convincing.

Thankful for the truth and the reassurance of good friends.

Old paths are easy to follow.

New ones take a lot of effort.

Exhaustion has taken hold need to not take things seriously.

Feeling betrayed. But I think its all in my head.

Its okay to take a step back as long as its not running away.